She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
