someone threw a dead crab at me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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