You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
