the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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