shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
