you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
