omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
