I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My ass is underappreciated
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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