So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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