Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
