At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
