I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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