So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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