omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
