found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
