the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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