McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
