I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
This is the prime rib incident all over again
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
