so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
