Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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