am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
