Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
