i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
