your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
