Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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