I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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