My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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