You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
