Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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