there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
