woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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