the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Hippo gnu deer
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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