I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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