No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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