What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
