If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
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