And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
