never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
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i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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