I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
