Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
