Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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