wanna go halves on a baby?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
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I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
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