It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
