life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
