I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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