3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
