He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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