When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
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Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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