I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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