I will die if light touches me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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