A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
