Tell her she can't have a vagina
I need to stop coming to work sober
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
