3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
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Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
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hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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