If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
