My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
