just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
