I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
