you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
