I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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