Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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