Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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