No period for spring break; use this wisely.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
