after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
